i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
