Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
