So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
