East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
