Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
