Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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