I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
