somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
