Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
