Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
