We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
