This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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