I'm jealous of your bromance
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
