everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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