Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
