we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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