Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
