just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
