When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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