Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
