my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
