i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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