I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
