he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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