i wish starbucks made bloody marys
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
im on a boat
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