The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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