when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
