he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The beer is more important than you right now.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
