I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
