Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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