Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
