Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
