I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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