Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
