Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
