i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
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And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
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