It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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