I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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