I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
