We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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