i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
