Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
