What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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