My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
