my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
