I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
