??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
