I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
True strength comes from lack of pants
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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