Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
