literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
