you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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