OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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