I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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