I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
