So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you will always have a special place in my vag
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
