I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
