I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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