I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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